Friday, 5 April 2013

When I Grow Up...

One of my besties, more specifically one of my Disney Princesses is turning Thirty this month!
To celebrate, she's having a "When I Grow Up..." party. That is, we all have to come dressed as what we wanted to be when we grew up.

Easy peasy...

I wanted to be a... erm, well, I defo wanted to be one of those... OH! I couldn't wait to train as a... ooo ooo ooo! I forgot about being a...

Not so easy. I wanted to be lots of things. I still do in fact. I don't just get dress/hair/make up/handbag envy, I also get job envy.

I watch a cookery programme and I think I want to be all shouty and in charge and re-train as a chef (really I hate even going near the kitchen, let alone working in one for a living). I watch One Born Every Minute/Call the Midwife and think that I want to help people through the most important moments of their lives and be a midwife (and yet, I have zero patience, hate physical contact with other humans and have the worst bedside manner, and no desire to improve it). I watch things like The Salon or TOWIE and think I want to wear a cute uniform and be a beautician (but I'm rubbish at small talk and fill awkward silences with brainless babble about all the stupid things I do and generally annoy people). I watch Hotel Babylon and think that I want to be all glam and work at a five star hotel and learn the secrets of the stars (even though the thought of working those unsociable hours makes me want to run a mile). I watched Pan Am or Britney's Toxic video and decided to become an air hostess and travel the world with my friends all week and wear a cute uniform (even though I hate early mornings, find airports the most stressful places on earth and air travel dries my skin out like dessicated fruit).
Seriously, I watch things, read things, hear people talk about things and I change my mind fifteen times a day about what I want to be when I grow up... Photographer, make up artist, florist, interior designer, air hostess, window dresser at Selfridges, journalist... the list is endless.

So, I was finding it quite difficult to work out what to dress up as. Some of my most memorable childhood/teenage career plans are outlined below, for your reading pleasure.

You will notice that I didn't gender discriminate...

A Naval Aviator - specifically, Maverick.

When I first saw Top Gun, back at primary school, I became obsessed with becoming a naval aviator. The camaraderie, the uniforms, the nick names, the energy. Not to mention flying THE coolest planes, and racing THE coolest bikes. All that high energy whizzing about. Brilliant! That was it, when I grew up, I was going to be a female Maverick.

Then my mum told me I'd have to do maths and physics at A Level.

Back to the drawing board.

A Cheerleader - specifically Buffy, she of vampire slaying fame.

Kristy Swanson was the original Buffy (and the best if you ask me). She wore the original cheerleader outfit and spat drawing pins at flies in the principal's office. She cheered about how funky our chickens were (FUNKY!) and about the looseness of our goose (TOTALLY loose!). She rocked.

Thus, I decided that when I grew up I would be a Cheerleader.

Vampire slaying was less of an appealing career choice.

Back to the drawing board.

A Buxom Red Head Club Singer - Specifically Jessica Rabbit

That dress? That hair? I could take singing lessons, get a boob job and join a gym. Done.

Marry a Rabbit with a speech impediment?

Back to the drawing board.

A PA with Attitude by Day, A Latex-Wearing, Crime-Fighting Bad Ass by Night - Specifically Selina Kyle a.k.a. Catwoman

I don't like cats, heights or dying.

I also love penguins*.


Back to the drawing board.

A Spaceship Pilot (with a big furry best friend) - Specifically Han Solo

He got to do all the cool stuff - rescuing royalty, laser shooting, intergalactic space travel, spaceship piloting etc, but without all the added pressure of being The Chosen One.

Not sure how I feel about being frozen and kept as living artwork by a fat slimy alien though.

Back to the drawing board.

An Accidental Space Ship Pilot - Specifically Captain Steven Hiller

So this dude is a combination of Maverick and Han Solo. Fly planes > run in to some alien life forms > kick their butts > save the world > smoke a cigar.

But for the same reasons above (relating to physics and a dislike for slimy aliens), back to the drawing board.

A Paleobotanist Dino Nerd - Specifically Dr Ellie Sattler

She rocks a knotted shirt and safari shorts. She knows that West Indian Lilac makes triceratops tongues a bit skanky. She's not averse to rummaging in poo for the answers. She knows all about dinosaurs (and you know how I am a closet dino geek) and she basically saves all the guys' asses by re-booting the power systems when the staff all get eaten by Raptors.

Some minor problemos - I need more make up than that otherwise I look scarier than a T-Rex, I need a more defined silhouette in my outfits, I'm not a big lover of poo-rummaging and I can kill plants just by looking at them.

And, oh yeah, dinos don't exist. Anymore.

Back to the drawing board.


Do you see my issue? When career advisors told me to "be realistic", they really, really meant it.

So... what to dress up as?

Well I found a really cute brown and white polka dot dress in my wardrobe the other day... but perhaps that's not one for a party where I'll be asked the question: "so what future career choice have you come as"..


I'll keep you posted..

* Second favourite animal.

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