Can't cook? Won't cook!

The other day, I was asked to contribute to someone special's* Hen Do Recipe Book. This was problematic as I don't have any recipes and I don't bother to follow recipes that belong to other people  - because I don't cook. I can cook, but I just don't want to. I'm not interested in cooking or the mess it creates and the outcome is just never great enough to warrant the stress and mess. The only time I seek out kitchen implements (and there are many in our kitchen) is when I'm getting creative with the cocktails. Cocktails are my passion. I'll go to the end of the earth for a good cocktail. So that is what I decided to contribute to the book, but with a Sugar Plum Slipper spin. The below is what I submitted to the Hen Committee and as a wee tribute to the Bride-to-Be, I'm including it here... remember, please drink responsibly!

Victoria's Perfect Wednesday Night Cosmopolitan
Share with friends or enjoy alone!

Ingredients
(makes one)

2 measure Finlandia lime vodka
1 measure Cointreau
1 measure quality cranberry juice
squeeze of fresh lime
ice cubes

Method

1. Check through draining board debris for cocktail shaker, locate lid in cutlery drawer.
2. Check vodka optic to ensure it's not empty after last weekend's party,
3. Put all ingredients into the cocktail shaker. Add an extra shot of each, it's been a hard day. Shake, checking the windows to make sure no one's watching your Tom Cruise moves. Good job that lid's on tight.
4. Struggle to get the lid off, spill a good mouthfull all over the floor in the process. Make a note to tidy that up later.
5. Add more ingredients to replaced spilled content, but hold the cranberry - the fruit acids are bad for your teeth. Shake some more.
6. Pour one serving in to chilled martini glass and place cocktail shaker with remaining mixture in the fridge to stay chilled. Remove items such as milk and cheese to make room.
7. Garnish with fresh lime and a short straw (snip a big one down to size if necessary).
8. Place oneself demurely on the sofa, keeping glass within easy reach, and settle in to catch up on the news and other current affairs.
9. Slurp
10. Return to kitchen for second helping, add another serving to the shaker, just in case you fancy a third, and maybe a fourth. Spy the cheese on the worktop. Snaffle it for dinner. Return to sofa.
11. Slurp
12. Return to kitchen for third helping, slurp whilst seaching for crisps.
13. Top up glass with remaining mixture and place shaker on worktop for washing up. Make a note to clean the floor when you do the washing up. Return to sofa and find some "choooooons" on MTV Dance, update Facebook status with various comments. Be sure to include the words "old school", "reminisce" and "besties" in each. Slurp.
14. Return to kitchen to make a further two helpings, mainly just to finish the cranberry juice carton. No point putting it back with just that little bit left. It's not OCD, it's just good sense. Notice your teeth start to feel a bit sensitive. Resolve to book a hygenist appointment the next day.
15. Think better of pouring in to martini glass, they're just not stable and this one has a leak - it's dribbling everywhere. Find a long straw and return to sofa, with a packet of biscuits (dessert, obvs)
16. Slurp direct from cocktail shaker, straw optional. Check work emails. Send highly witty responses but don't bother with spell checker. It always replaces business acronyms with silly words. Leave voicemail for yourself to call IT about removing the spell checker option on your blackberry.
17. Wake up face down on sofa, peel cheek from leather and thank the Lord for wipe-clean, soft furnishings
18. Phone hubby to tell him how much you love him. Apparently he came home an hour ago and went to bed.
19. Stagger to kitchen, survey mess. Choose to ignore. Lightly rinse the cocktail shaker, fill with tap water making attempt to be as quiet as a mouse and extremely tidy. Leave sock behind when it gets stuck to the sticky cranberry/cointreau patch on the kitchen floor. Take cocktail shaker to the bedroom and place on bedside table, remove clothes, remind hubby that you love him.
20. Slurp the sticky Cointreau flavoured water vigorously through the night, praying for Tube Strikes in the morning.

* the wedding is this weekend - SO excited!!! It's going to be beeee-ooootiful x